Siri = Infuriating

A symbol of love and loathing - not unlike the Confederate Flag.

I wrote more than a year ago that I was coveting an iPhone. Well kids, I'm excited to announce that I've crawled out of the dark ages and have achieved that year-long dream. I know, I know. I'm not unique. I've merely joined the club of Apple Fanboys and I'm not looking back! I also realize that somebody else probably wrote this post months ago when the iPhone 4s came out, or even years ago when smartphones came out, but this is relevant to my life today, so I just shut up and read. 

Anywho, I was still using that barely-operable Samsung Gravity I griped about last year. It was so out-of-date, that when we ported my phone numbers over, it didn't quite work and I got carpel tunnel having to manually correct each person in my contacts. Since I was still learning, I also accidentally called about seven people in the process. Sorry to those prank call victims out there, namely, my boss and other people I wouldn't ever call at midnight. There's a smartphone n00b is on the loose! 

Being the type-A personality that I am, the first thing I did was set up my calendar. For years, I've carried a physical calendar with me, and even manually balanced my checkbook. By the weight of my purse, you would have thought I was carrying around a chisel and stone tablet. Life suddenly seems more lighter, brighter and easier with iPhone. It would all would be perfect, if it weren't for Siri. 

Siri isn't as awesome as that Rock God commercial made it seem. In fact, I kind of down right hate her. 

We have such tense conversations. If she could just pronounce my name, it would solve at least 18 percent of the problem. It's only two syllables, really. But nope. She has to anglicize my Japanese name, and remind me of it when she's already talking me in circles. Take for example, a recent attempt at calling my mother. (Note: my mom was in my phone as Mom Cell. Oh. And her real name is not Roberta). 

Me: Siri, call Mom Cell. 

Siri: What is your mother's name?

Me: Mom Cell

Siri: What is your mother's name?

Me: Roberta

Siri: I cannot find a contact for Roberta. What is your mother's name?

Me: Mom Cell. 

Siri: I do not have that contact. What is your mother's name?

Me: Fuck you, Siri! 

Siri: Now, now, Hannah. 

Infuriating, really. So Siri has forced me to name all of my contacts by their real name. Who has their mom listed by anything other than "mom"? That seems blasphemous. 

My friend from Australia said they never use Siri because she can't understand their accent. Or they just turn on their best American accents and hope for the best. My friend Curtis also said that Siri calls him Cletus. Oh well. We can't all win. When they're high-tech enough, I'm going to make sure my next phone pronounces my name correctly, and speaks to me in Ebonics. That's going to be awesome. "What up, Han-dizzle?"

At my dogs' expense, I now understand why people get lost in the iPhone vortex. I also understand why my fiance has suddenly quit talking to me now that he has a new smartphone too. Normally, that would have irked me, but we just gchat next to each other instead. You can't use smileys and LOLs face-to-face. When else would I have an opportunity to use the secret poo emoticon?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least Siri will help me find the nearest hospitable. Or think I'm asking for the latest hit from the Baha Men. Whatever.