The Five People You Meet in Yoga - And Wish You Hadn't

He must be The Show-off

Ah yoga: The pinnacle of relaxation, fitness and meditation. I’ve become a yoga monster lately and the studio I go to is pretty keen on sticking to true yoga traditions; every pose is called out in the Sanskrit term rather than the translation, we Om at the end of class, she teaches us about yoga philosophies as we practice asanas, and she explains the stories we tell with our poses.

I love it. I feel completely relaxed, I’ve shed pounds (welcome back, high school weight!), but I can tell I’m doing something that means much more than getting healthy. Shit if monks do it, I must be on some path to enlightenment right?

I call it my hippy yoga and it’s helping me ward off bridezilla as we enter the final weeks of wedding planning. I promised I wouldn’t turn into her, but I’m finding I have to battle her often so I don’t lose my shit. Bridezilla is a mad god like Lilith in True Blood, for any fellow truebies out there.

However calming yoga may be, in my practice I’ve encountered personalities of all types, many of which are completely obnoxious to practice with, taking out the whole relaxation aspect. Before you yogis out there start bitching, I know that yoga is supposed to be all about non-judgment; non-judgment of others and non-judgment of yourself. But this is Sticks and Stones and not a yoga blog, so you’re going to let me have my bitch sesh and deal. I accept that this blog post in and of itself is not very yogic.

With that said, I discovered the worst yoga personality of them all in last night’s yoga class. It was so bad, that it actually inspired me to carve time out of my insane schedule to update my blog and tell you all about it. So, I’ve compiled my shit list of yoga personality profiles in order of least to worst offenders. Last night’s personality takes the cake, so he’s the last on the list. Enjoy.

The “Don’t Look at Me I’m New” Person

Every class has one. And I’ve been that person. The beginner, new-to-the-studio gal is in a ball in the corner, dying of heat exhaustion, ready to pass out, questioning why the hell she came and why the fuck didn’t she drink more water beforehand. Not every beginner has this experience, but it’s not uncommon either. It gets better. Trust me. Don’t let this one experience ruin it. Prepare better next time.

The Show-off

This classmate shows up at least 20 minutes before class starts, and will start flowing the second the mat’s unrolled. Hand stands are flying, limbs and spines are being contorted, all to prove that he can do it. The teacher will never go into these complicated poses with the group, so he needs some kind of audience. Once class begins, he stands right next to the teacher. It’s the yoga version of teacher’s pet. I can’t say I’m not jealous of these abilities, but the arrogance just kills.

The Loud Om-er

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. And this one is weird. I’ve only encountered it twice, so I imagine it’s a rare breed of yogi. This person will breathe very loudly during the duration of class. And when I mean loud, I mean he's competing with Beats by Dre. Every inhale seems to suck up all oxygen from the room and every exhale makes the entire room smell of their carbon dioxide excretion. They make fun sounds as they get in and out of poses. At the end of class, when we’re closing our practice, this person, forgetting that yoga is supposed to be about relaxing, yells Om at the top of their lungs, rather than letting it gently vibrate out of their mouths. Forgetting they’re in a yoga studio and not a Slip Knot concert, their Om is not only louder than the teacher’s, it’s off-key, screeching and lasts longer than anyone else’s. It’s a perfect way to end yoga on a sour note.

The Schweaty Guy

Let’s face it- everyone sweats buckets in hot yoga. But you contain it to your own mat and area. That’s why yogitoes were invented. I’d rather be next to the loud Om-er than the Schweaty Guy. This person (which every class has) manages to flick their sweat in every direction their limbs point. With sweat, comes stench. The entire room starts filling with the sharp odor of one brand of B.O. They leave a puddle in their wake after class has ended. I’m not exaggerating this at all. The worst is when there are back-to-back classes, and you accidentally roll your mat out in a puddle from the previous class’s Schweaty Guy (speaking from experience). God forbid if you end up next to this one in a crowded class, and manage to accidentally touch a foot or hand. Shower with acid immediately.

The Farting/Humming Guy

Practicing next to this guy makes yoga impossible to enjoy. It will start off with the loud breathing, but when the music starts, he also thinks he’s a yoga singer and starts trying to emulate the sounds and spastic note range in the song and fails. Hard. That alone eliminates all chances for relaxation. You’re supposed to focus on what you’re doing and nothing else. But if you have some Yoga Idol wannabe next to you, it’s hard to let your mind go when you’re eardrums are being actively assaulted.

But please take note: If you dine at a taco truck, or consume a Costco hot dog before doing yoga, do not come to class. This guy farted at least seven times in class last night, one of which was when his ass was near my face and I was ready to turn the yoga class into Tae Kwon Do. I was so mad! If you can’t control your bowels, you need to do a yoga DVD at home, near your bathroom so you can handle emergencies as they arise.

One of my favorite poses is shavasana, or corpse pose, because it elicits the most relaxation and signals the end of class. By principle, you are to be silent during shavasana, breathe quietly and shallowly and did I mention be quiet? The Farting/Humming Guy starts humming and trying out for Yoga Idol again, during one of the most meditative and relaxing poses, and I just laid there holding my breath so I didn’t inhale his ass scent. I also couldn’t relax my face muscles since I was frowning so hard.

"It was the worst shavasana ever." - Witness

I had just begun to sort of relax when the teacher said, “Wiggle your toes and fingers and come back to earth.” What a waste. He also happened to be a loud Om-er. Go figure. He was the trifecta of bad yoga personalities and I promise to move if he tries to practice next to me again.

So now that I’ve convinced you never to do yoga, just know that as long as you don’t get stuck next to any of these, yoga really is a wonderful practice. I love it. I’ve just burned the faces of the above offenders into my memory so I know never to roll my mat out next to them again.

And now, I will forsake my typical sign off with a simple, Namaste.