One Magical Freaking Trip

At this point, if I even make it on the plane, I'm going to consider it a miracle.

I don't think I've had a more frustrating travel experience than the one I haven't had yet; I leave for Orlando tomorrow, and the planning process has been a complete nightmare.

It all started when my boss agreed to send me to a Communications and Social Media conference in Disneyworld. I was stoked! I've never been to Florida, never mind Disneyworld. My inner child freaked out just a little bit. And my outer adult freaked out a lot.

After I paid the conference fee, I realized I paid more than the price the conference brochure stated. So I called a conference organizer, who offered me a free $350 workshop to make up for it. I had to alter my travel plans to accommodate this new freebie, but I accepted since it was a better deal than the price difference I initially called about. And then I didn't get any confirmation about my workshop attendance.

After a week of hounding the guy that made the offer, he finally sent me an email proving he had indeed offered this.

After all of that, I then received another email promoting an even cheaper rate for this conference. So my co-worker (who is also coming with me) and I called to say, "What the heck is the real price of this conference? You need to give us your best deal, refund the extra, while honoring your workshop freebie." So they finally honored our request, but it took speaking with a few people to make it happen.

Now, this is where it just starts getting ridiculous. When I called to book my hotel, I got one of the most computer-illiterate "cast members" to assist me. After being on the phone with her for one whole hour, she lost my information several times after entering it into the system, and she kept mixing up which hotel I was trying to stay at due to all of the "magical" enhancements their computer system was going through. By the end of the conversation, I was told that I was staying at the hotel in which the conference was being held.

But over the weekend, I was mailed a confirmation stating that I was booked at a completely different resort. It was in a location that would have forced me to get a rental car, since it was so far from everything. After being on the phone for another half day, and speaking with two different "cast members," Disneyworld made it right and got me booked at the correct hotel.

And I wish my story ended there. But it doesn't.

Southwest Airlines apparently needs God to beam down a stone tablet blessed in holy water in order to change your last name on your frequent flier account. I called to change it, but they actually need me to fax my certified marriage certificate, along with a bunch of other identifying information. I asked if I could email it, since fax machines are so 1989. The woman I spoke with exclaimed that email was completely out of the question. She was almost appalled that I would suggest such an efficient communication method.

You know what Alaska Airlines did for me when I needed to change my name on my mileage plan? They just changed it over the freaking phone.

In the process of writing down step number 20 from the Southwest rep, she decided she was going to hyphenate my last name on my account. But not only that, in her hyphenating process, she transposed my married and maiden name. So this morning, when I went to check in for my flight, the website wouldn't let me. I could not figure out why the site wasn't accepting anything other than my legal, married name, which I used to book my flight.

When I called Southwest for help, the new, less derpy, call center employee, was able to change my name back to Hana Medina so that I could finish checking in. So here's my question: If Southwest can change the name on my ticket with a simple phone call (and without verifying any identifying information), why couldn't they just change my damn frequent flier account? I don't get it.

When I return, I'm going to have to fax Southwest all of my documents, and a plea that they give me credit for all of the flights I'm taking this week. After that, Southwest will be joining United Airlines on my "Airlines to Avoid" list.

Tomorrow, I leave my house at 4 a.m. to go to one of the "happiest" places on earth. If anything else goes wrong, I'm just going to contact Murphy himself and say, "Why have you cursed me?!" But that means I'll probably have to dial a 1-800 number and speak to four different agents before I actually get Murphy.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but in the words of a Disneyworld call center agent, I hope I have a "magical trip!"