I was at a friend's house, enjoying my preferred high class dinner of frozen pizza and orange juice, when suddenly I got a waft of fragrance that took me back to my childhood. I could not figure out what I was remembering exactly.
"What is that floral scent?" I asked.
My friend brought me over to the table to show me her recently purchased Caress bar soap. I instantly started laughing, knowing exactly what memory it had triggered. My friend, confused as to why I found that so funny, asked, "Why is that so funny?"
As I explained the story, I longingly gazed at the cartoon bubble that rose above my head, replaying one of the best moments in retail history.
The year was 1989. Apparently, this was quite the pivotal year in my life, as two of four stories have already been told from this time period. I was in line with my mom at the local grocery store, Stock Market, when I decided it was time for me to go exploring.
I landed in the soap aisle. For those that know me, I am to this day, a bath product junkie. I love soap, body wash, all of that stuff. I have a whole drawer full of unused bath products that I've stock piled. Apparently, the infatuation started at 5 years old because I felt the need to sniff and evaluate every bar of soap down that aisle. Every. Bar. Of. Soap.
Things were going smoothly until I reached Caress, soap evaluation number 158. I picked it up, brought it to my nose, took a hit, and my eyes instantly started to water. Since no 5 year-old is in tune with their body, or the signs it gives when something is wrong, I continued to sniff it.
"Mmm...this smells good!" I thought.
I kept sniffing away, enjoying my soap high, when suddenly, my eyes began to puff up. I realized something was wrong since I couldn't open them very far. Oh well. Nothing is going to stop me from toking up. Keep sniffing.
The next thing I knew, they were completely swollen shut! Did this bar of soap seriously just make me blind? I started panicking. My breathing became labored and anxiety quickly set in. My mom was going to be so mad. I wasn't supposed to leave my mom's side in the first place, but now I couldn't even see to find my way back to her!
"MOM!!!" I immediately started shrieking. "I can't see!!!!"
I could officially relate to the three blind mice. I just thought it was a fun little song we sang in preschool, but now I was the fourth mouse! I was crying, but tears were just leaking from the two swollen slits that now made up my eyes. As if I didn't already look Asian enough.
This can't be happening. "Mooooom!!!"
My mom is usually really easy to pick out of crowd due to her height, but since I was blind and that was all I had ever relied on when hunting her down, I felt doomed that we would never reunite. I was convincing myself that my picture would be featured on the next missing persons junk mail pamphlet, when suddenly I heard my mom's voice at the end of the aisle.
"What are you...Oh!" she said when she saw my face. I could tell she was trying not to laugh. Mind you, this is also the same mother that told me I was going to clown college because of a deformation on my big toe.
"I was sniffing all the soap and now I'm blind!" I said exasperated.
Noting the dropped soap on the floor, she said, "Honey, you are allergic to Caress, remember? We bought it once and it made you break out in hives."
Now she tells me. "But I'm blind!!!!" I cried.
Why was she so freakin' calm? Couldn't she see my career path was at stake? The only thing I could become is the next Stevie Wonder impersonator! And I couldn't play the piano (yet)! I would never find work!
"Honey, you're fine. Let's get you home and give you some Benadryl, and I promise you'll be able to see again."
Oh. I would be fine. Thank god. Bye Stevie.
I thought for a moment and said, "Can we buy it anyway?" I was considering putting a bar of the blinding soap on Megan's desk at school. She needed to be blinded.
Unfortunately my mom wasn't seeing this logic and refused my offer. We promptly went home and a few hours later, which is light years in kid time, I could finally open my eyes.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Caress will take your sight.
No comments:
Post a Comment