Sleep Talkin' Wo-Man

There are a lot of things people do to remedy a bad day: drink a glass of wine, eat fruit snacks, exercise, watch Jersey Shore, look up adoptable puppies online, bitch to their girlfriends (okay that's what I do...the list is endless). However, I have found one thing that surely zaps my sour mood every time - reading the blog, Sleep Talkin' Man.

Normally, I would not be encouraging you all to cheat on me and read someone else's blog, but this site is too great not to share. It recaps all the ridiculous and hilarious things this British guy says in his sleep. He lives quite the colorful life behind his eyelids. It's nice to know he's not the only one!

Which leads me to my own entry of sleep adventures! (Yay egotism!)

I have always lived an unfettered dream life - vivid imagery, wild colors, impossible plot twists, unlikely or invented locations, and even dreaming in Spanish. It's never a dull moment with me, even when I'm not fully conscious.

As long as I can remember, I've always been told that I talk in my sleep (and grind my teeth), much like my new fave Brit.

However, my favorite sleep-talking story to tell is when I was sleeping next to my boyfriend a few years back (who by the way, makes odd noises and even sleeps with his eyes open on occasion. Sorry Honey. I'm telling on you).

So I'm sitting there sleeping, hogging the bed (which I am routinely accused of), when my boyfriend said, "Honey, can you scoot over? I'm hanging off the bed."

I was practically in a coma. Not a peep came out of me.

"Honey!" he tried to get me to wake.

I stirred a bit, "What? What's going on?"

"Can you scoot over? I don't have any room."

"Yeah but first you gotta take the plugs out of the back of your head."

He didn't think he heard me right. "What?"

"First, you have to take the pluuuuggs out of the back of your heeeaaadd!" I must have been dreaming about the Matrix or something.

"Right..." he took matters into his own hands, by pushing me to my side of the bed where I continued my coma until the morning.

I've also woken up screaming and crying due to whatever horrifying scenario was taking place in my head.

My first night in the dorms in college, I woke up my new roommate because I was screaming. I dreamt this creepy hand was slowly reaching toward me. That was all. The dream was about a hand. It was completely lame, but it was enough to scare the living daylights out of me. "Hi I'm Hana. Nice to meet you, new roommate. Did I mention I'm possessed?" That's a way to make fast friends.

But my most "active" sleep years were when I was a kid. I am able to vividly recall these incidents only because they were recapped to me in full detail after the fact. It's equivalent to what I assume waking up with amnesia is like- being told who you are, what you did, what language you speak, that sort of stuff.

One night, I sleep-walked straight into my parents room before they had fallen asleep. I just stood there for some time, looking confused (which is my usual expression, but I must have seemed even more perplexed than normal).

After a few moments of awkward silence hanging in the air, my mom put down the book she was reading and said, "What are you doing?"

"CH-CH-CH-CH-CHOMPER!!! CH-CH-CH-CH-CHOMPER!!" I started calling my hamster's name aloud in stutter while looking right at my parents.

My mom burst out laughing and led me back to my room where I continued to call my hamster's name into the dark abyss of the night.

On another occasion, I was having more of an adventurous dream.

My childhood bedroom was right across the hall from the bathroom. However, I felt the need to walk down two staircases to the bathroom inside the laundry room to take care of business. En route to this bathroom, I passed my mom who was downstairs watching Jay Leno.

"What are you doing up so late?" she asked me.

"Going to the bathroom! God!" I growled.

"Why aren't you going to YOUR bathroom?" she asked.

"Because I want to go to THIS bathroom!" I had perfected the "kid" whine.

I stormed away from her, and closed the laundry room door behind me.

After I didn't come out for some time, my mom came in after me and found me peeing in the corner of the bathroom, far from the toilet (I was 9 years old).

"You need to go upstairs and clean yourself off. Go get new underwear," she told me. Apparently I hadn't bothered with ANY formalities.

I trudged back up the stairs to my room. After several minutes passed again, my mom ran up the stairs as she heard me shrieking and crying.

"What's wrong?! What happened?!" she cried when she reached me in my room.

"I CAN'T FIND ANY GLOVES!!" I was screaming, waving a pair of gloves in my hand. "I CAN'T FIND ANY GL-UH-HUH-HUUUUVVS!!!!!!"

"YOU HAVE GLOVES IN YOUR HAND! YOU NEED NEW UNDERWEAR!"

At this point, I woke up and was really confused why my mom was shaking me and waving gloves and underwear in my face.

"What?" I said totally confused by what was going on.

"You need new underwear. You just pissed yourself in the bathroom downstairs, and you were carrying on about needing gloves. Go change!"

I laughed thinking how ridiculous this must have been for my mom. She's a saint.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dreams are what great stories are made of.

I would love to hear the ridiculous sleep walkin and talkin stories you guys may have! Feel free to comment on this blog or on the facebook fan page. These are always great stories to hear. And be sure to check out Sleep Talkin' Man!