The Challenge of Brain-Mouth Coordination

You know those annoying people that mess up song lyrics all the time, and belt them at the top of their lungs? I have to admit I am one of those people.

A few days ago, my boyfriend decided to serenade me over the phone by singing the Transformers theme song from the '80s (we're really a romantic couple): Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise!"

"Oh that's what they were saying? I thought they just kept going 'Transformers! bee boop bee bop!"

"WOW."

This is not limited to songs. This also extends into common sayings, phrases and adages - which is why I keep making up the rest of the lines to Sticks and Stones :) Needless to say, I don't really need to wear shoes anymore, since my foot is in my mouth on most days at some point or another.

My mouth was once again disconnecting itself from my brain a few days ago. I was in an important meeting, discussing the ramifications of the way we were hiring and interviewing for a new management position, when I said with full and utter confidence, "It's not like we're going by the fly of our pants here. These decisions are being made with intention."

My co-workers bust up laughing before I could figure out what I had said.

"Well, I don't know all the directions your FLY goes, but I think you meant seat," my co-worker corrected me. We laughed and I tasted toe jam again for the first time since I had first exclaimed that Jesuits and Jews were the same (okay so a week or two had gone by).

This was not unlike the time in college where I defended myself by saying, "Well, I'm not the brightest tool in the shed." Nor am I the sharpest.

But what takes the "foot-in-mouth" cake, is what I said at work yesterday. I was working on a project with several co-workers, and we were discussing my new, fabulous bangs inspired by Reese Witherspoon (yes, we were getting paid for this conversation).

"I decided to ease into the style by doing the side bangs first, but next time, I might go full frontal."

A silence suddenly came over the room and everyone just started cackling and howling. I was trying to explain that I wanted to try bangs that were cut straight across my forehead and somehow, my brain computed that as "full frontal." Of course it did.

"We know way too much about your future plans," they joked.

My cheeks were bright red as I laughed and said, "I am sooo embarrassed!!"

They likened it to when my boss said that my co-worker was "vibrating at work" when he was really trying to say her phone was on vibrate while at work.

I have hand-eye coordination. Just not brain-mouth coordination.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but my big, mutant toe is really starting to taste like chicken.