Since I've been engrossed in the hiring process off and on for the last year, I thought I'd do the job-hunting populous a favor. I have learned that I overestimate the common sense and competence of the greater public. Don't get me wrong- I know times are tough, and there some wonderfully qualified people out there needing a way to make ends meet. But there are some not-so-qualified people out there making a sorry attempt at competing too.
In order to save the sanity of hiring staff all over the world, I thought I'd write up some quick tips on things you ABSOLUTELY should not say, do, write or think while trying to get a job. Take notes, kids.
- Know how to spell the city you live in. I don't know where Spoknae, WA is, and neither does Google Maps.
- You are not fooling anyone by saying you have tech skills when your resume was written on a type writer.
- Follow directions. When I ask you for a resume, cover letter and a review, do not send me just a cover letter and assume that you wow'd me so much with your piss poor spelling that I would beg you to come in for an interview. You just proved to me that you share the same IQ with MJ's monkey, Bubbles. And even Bubbles had a career to retire from.
- Know the correct address of the place you are applying to. We have not been in the office you listed on your cover letter for 10 years. Unless you just arrived in a DoLorean with Michael J. Fox, I don't want to read the rest.
- Do not ask me if you can perform this job in Florida when the posting clearly states WASHINGTON. Yes, we are in the Pacific Northwest. You will sacrifice your Mai Tai cocktails and beach body browsing for pale skin, rain and socks with sandals. Sixty degrees will go from being coat and sweater weather to shorts and bikini weather. Deal with it.
- Do not first ask me how much the job pays and then proceed to inquire on what the duties of the job are. You just told me you're only in it for the money.
- Read the qualifications. Do not assume you are entitled to a management position because a college mistakenly awarded you a General Studies degree this year. You have no work experience, period. Go dig a ditch and come back when your manicured hands have a few more calluses on them.
- Do not use the word "manipulate" when describing your management style.
- Enunciate and get to the point. I was hoping not to hire anyone with personality traits resembling Milton's from Office Space. I don't even remember what I asked you in the first place, you ramble so much!
- If you can't talk to me without inserting, like, um, ya know, and uh, between every other word, you need to be taken out back and shot. You're like an old dog that needs to be put out of its misery.
- If you are called in the morning to schedule your interview, at least try to sound perky. We know what hungover sounds like.
- Do not assume you are smarter than your co-workers, or interviewers. You need something from us. Not the other way around.
- Don't lie. The truth comes out faster than you can peck out your name on the keyboard. 100 wpm? Try 10.
- Don't mispronounce my name. That automatically disqualifies you.
- Nice try, but this is not appropriate interview attire:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but idiocracy will be the death of me.
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