Twitards

When did watching a pathetic high school tryst between two pasty kids and a freakishly buff 17 year-old become a pop culture phenomenon? Not only that, but when did it become okay for women old enough to be the 17 year-old's grandma to swoon over those chiseled, illegal abs and baby face? And when did Mormons start writing books about things like vampire-human sex?

I don't know, but I like it! Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't going to be an anti-Twilight rant. In fact,it's a celebration. Hi - my name is Hana, and I am a Twitard.

I prefer twitard over twihard because it more accurately describes the way eyes cross, mouths drool, and uncontrollable giddy screams emerge from the lips of 8, 18 and 68 year-old women when the pasty, depressed actors and the illegal bait are on screen. Twihard sounds like something x-rated happening to the male vampires.

Initially I resisted. "Vampire love? Really? I'm not really into fantasy or anything remotely resembling it," I said to my co-worker who was a recent convert.

"Neither am I, but you've got to at least read the first one. They are really good!"

I wasn't quite convinced.

Then my baby sister started reading them. "Haha! You're reading TWATLIGHT!" I maturely taunted as she was devouring the third book only two days after finishing the first and second.

"Hey don't hate! Don't knock it till you rock it!" she said. Oh 17.

Okay, the kid had a point. It's reasoning I have used myself in many an argument, usually defending something horrendously nerdy like summer camp or playing flute.

Being the competitive person that I am, I took her up on it. I immediately caved.

I read the first book in two days. The whole series in about two weeks.

If you must know, I am Team Edward. Hear me roar!


My favorite Twilight moment (and yes, my life now has Twilight moments) was when I converted my best friend.(I just read that back to myself and I'm starting to sound like one of Jim Jones' converts. Drink the kool-aid! Except in this case it's vampire blood. What the hell has Stephenie Meyer's done to us!? We're going to wake up from our twitardedness in a few years and wonder what the hell happened. Watch this go down in history...like pet rocks.)

My best friend was stuck on Harry Potter, and making outlandish claims and saying things like it way better than Twilight. She hadn't even read any of the books. Because she is just as competitive as I am, I said, "Hey don't hate! Don't knock it till you rock it!" They're magic words, like abra cadabra. Poof! A convert.

Except in this case, they weren't. She's slightly more stubborn than I, so I had to get more creative if I was going to bring someone down with me. So for Christmas, guess who got Twilight in their stocking?

She laughed her defeated laugh, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Really?!" She was done by 2pm the next day.

"MORE EDWARD! MORE BELLA!! AHH!!" She was talking like Cookie Monster and foaming at the mouth. She didn't start resembling a human again until I got her New Moon. It was like a junkie coming off heroin. It was bad.

Once she finished the series, she was a new woman, seeing the folly in her old ways. She constantly thanks me for showing her the light. Okay I'm exaggerating, but she really was foaming at the mouth.

We've come a long way since our initiations. Now, we are both proud twitards. In two days, we are going to go to go see Eclipse!! I can't wait! I'm going to wear my vampire fangs and Team Edward shirt and join the throngs of screaming teens addicted to bad acting, and the grandmas swooning over jail bait.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but sometimes drinking the kool-aid is the best thing that will ever happen to you. (And I'm totally kidding about fangs and the Team Edward shirt....yeah).