What I Am Thankful For

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, this entry is going to be different. I don't intend it to be funny, or even entertaining for that matter. This entry is to solidify that I've come a long way, and to show those who may not know, the ugly truth about this past year. I'm finally putting this in words. I'm posting this because I am a better person from this experience. I am posting this in the hope that you become better without having to go through the kind of year that I did.

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Today, I ran the Greenlake Gobble 5k. In addition to having another race to keep me off the couch, it also meant something so much more to me. This race occurred near the one year anniversary of my mother's cancer diagnosis. When I ran through the finish line, running it in my best time yet, it solidified that I have a come a long way, emotionally and physically. My emotional journey is directly correlated with the races and miles that I've logged. This past year has been a test of endurance in all aspects of my life.

Last November, I was sitting at my desk, working overtime, when I got the devastating call: the doctors had found a tumor in my mom's liver. I freaked out, and thankfully, I was the last one left in the office, so no one had to witness my meltdown. A few weeks later, tests confirmed that they were cancerous, and by the way they had found a second tumor. Two, stage 4 tumors, would now mark a pivotal point my life: BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer). Luckily, I was at my house when I got that call, but I fell to my knees sobbing. What was this going to mean? My mom is the most important person in my life. I began fearing the worst and sunk into depression.

I started having anxiety attacks, having to excuse myself from my desk at work so I could hide in the bathroom until they passed. I couldn't control it. I began having horrible problems in my relationship, having to leave Cucina Cucina in the middle of dinner because I couldn't hold it together. I couldn't sleep through the night. I lost interest in things I used to enjoy, including hanging out with my friends. I felt like the world as I knew it was ending with this diagnosis. I did not know how to live my life day to day. The ugly C-word had found out where my family and I lived.

It was time for an intervention. I began seeing a therapist, who suggested, among other things, that I begin engaging in physical activity to release my anger, frustration and stress. I took her advice and ran with it. Literally. I had run a 5k the year before, and after an injury, had completely fallen off the fitness wagon. Any weight I had lost had been gained back. Hello, 160 lbs (I'm 5'4"). Not so nice to see you.

I laced up again, unsure of how successful I would be at first. But this new development gave me a much bigger reason to run. It gave me a reason to take out my fear and anxiety on something else. It gave me a reason to pound the living hell out of the pavement beneath my feet. It gave me a reason to stop taking this news out on myself, start living my life, and support my family.

Seeing her in and out of the hospital over the year has been no easy feat. While we've gotten much better at it as a family, you never want to see your parent or wife hooked up to IVs and heart monitors, drugged up and trying to smile because they want to be strong for you. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through. Run run run run. Mile 5. Keep running.

The more miles I began to log, the more I realized how mental running is. If you tell yourself you're tired and you can't do it, you won't. But if you are your own cheerleader, and tell yourself to hang on, and to keep working toward your goal, you will be rewarded. I doubled my mileage from 3 to 6 on my first try. It made me feel strong. It made me feel like I could do anything I wanted to. It made me feel like we could beat cancer.

I started racing, which created a new level of excitement for my new hobby. Today marked my sixth race this year, the longest of them being two 10K's I did over the summer. I am hooked. The adrenaline rush before the gun sounds, the random person in the crowd you dub as your arch enemy and vow to beat, the last burst of energy you didn't think you had as you rush through the finish line (and past your enemy). I live for it. I always think of my mom when I start to feel tired. It keeps me going. If she can go through several invasive treatments and surgeries, in addition to several daily medications, I can pound out these last few miles. Hello 135lbs. Haven't seen you since High School.

Recently, my running buddy, just found out she has the gene that makes her susceptible to getting cancer. The news was awful. Especially since we are still pretty young. But I am happy they caught it now. I'm elated they can even detect a gene like that. She is in the best position she can possibly be in with the knowledge that she has. I hope that it amounts to nothing more than motivation to continue taking care of herself. It is possible that it will never amount to anything. Run run run together.

My mom continues to fight cancer. We are praying that she qualifies to get on the transplant list. Until then, we will wait and create new and fun memories with each other.

Yes, this year has sucked more than any other year of life, but I can't say nothing good came from it. As crazy as it sounds, I've learned more about life in a year because of cancer. I am thankful for each and every lesson I have learned, and am still learning:

• I have learned strength and endurance, even when I want to quit on mile three, and I still have three more to go.
• I have learned to take care of my health (mental and physical), because it is a gift that you only get for so long.
• I have learned what it means to be a good friend, and have realized that there have been times when I have failed at this, myself.
• I have learned patience, even when you've been in the hospital waiting room for eight hours and the procedure still hasn't happened.
• I have learned that it's okay to have a bad day, or a down day, because that's all it is- a day. There's always tomorrow. And you just gotta let it out.
• I have learned where the liver is in the body, in addition to a million medical terms :)
  
• I have learned that a doctor's advice is only as good as the next appointment.
• I have learned what it means to be hopeful, even when the doctor's tell you it's your last chance.
• I have learned that miracles do happen, even under adverse odds.
  
• I have learned that if you treat people with kindness, it will be returned to you tenfold.
• I have learned the power of compassion, when people come out of the woodwork to help.
• I have learned the power of words, and how just the right few can make a huge difference.
• I have learned the power of attitude, how your mindset can make or break your outlook on life.
• I have learned what it means to appreciate every waking moment of time you spend with your family and friends.
• I have learned what it means to be thankful.

To everyone who has been there for me and my family during this past year, thank you, a million times over.

Sticks and Stones my break my bones, but being thankful will last a lifetime.

Now it's time to start training for that half marathon :)