Concert Etiquette 101

Dear Asshole Concert Goers,


I have a bone to pick with each and every one of you. I will be calling on you by name, so listen up.

To the hipster with circulation-severing jeans- whining louder and longer will not make the entrance line move any quicker, so stop making the experience even more agonizing for the rest of us.

To the hippy with reeking dreads- before you insist on standing directly on me to get a better glimpse of MGMT, please wash your hair. I’m pretty sure there are several critters going through the life cycle on your cranium and it smells like death and dandruff.

To the crazy concert dancer- I’ve had enough of your interpretive flailing. How is it that you have room to express your LSD trip while I have no room to merely stand? I like my crazy concert dancers to be jerky, compact, and unpredictable. It not only entertains, but keeps limbs and phalanges from coming into contact with onlookers. None of this sweeping motion shit that knocks people over repeatedly. Go take another hit and try again.

To the Marlboro Man- why do you insist on smoking like a chimney in the middle of a sardine-packed crowd? Get a nicotine patch or pay in advance for my iron lung.

To the couple drunkenly making out in the middle of the crowd- take your hormones back to your PT Cruiser, and put us all out of our misery. I freaking hate those cars.

To the person that insists on starting a mosh pit and shoving everyone when it’s 89 degrees out- the last thing I want to do is touch anyone else, never mind get shoved and trampled to the ground, on the bottom of a dog pile, with everyone around me that decided not to wear deodorant. You need to be punched in the gooch, and stat.

To the aspiring rapper forcibly trying to get me to purchase your latest cut- try another method besides sexual harassment and shoving it in my hand, but only if you would like to avoid being sodomized with your own beats.

To the skank on the shoulders of the meathead- not only are you blocking my view, but you should consider wiping before you decide to have your ass at face level to those around you.

To all concert goers 6’0 and over- why do you go out of your way to find the shortest person in the crowd to plant yourself in front of? WHY?! I finally found the one spot I can see!

Thank you all for making my latest concert experience a better blog entry than an enjoyable memory. You all owe me a refund.

Best of Luck,

Hana